Shifting Sands

Falling in love (with yourself)

Happy Valentines!

Sit back, relax and take in a short film: Film of the week 11th Feb Monday9am.tv - the girl who looked in the mirror. Like all Nic Askew's thought-provoking and inspiring films it speaks for itself. His work will soon be found at soulbiographies.com.

Real Family Life, and its Possibilities

Before Christmas is too far from our memories I wanted to share a Christmas letter with a difference, written by a friend's daughter-in-law, Lena Dickson, who is now living in Sweden with her family.

So much of the time we share the joy and the fun of family life and hide the grittier side, unsure how it will be received, and perhaps scared we will be judged as parents, rather than supported. Reading this as a parent, I feel permission to be human, to make mistakes and to learn and grow as my children do.

"In the bleak midwinter"

Struggling wintermorning sun. The chill without seems a fitting background to the human drama within. Stressed parents have failed to hear the feelings behind a child's unreasonable demands and turned it into a topic for heated arguments. Another child has caught the vibes, showered me with abusive language and now sits fully dressed, refusing to go to school. I give up all adult pretensions, blurt out that I can't be bothered and shut myself in my room upstairs, air thick with hurt and pride, clock ticking.

A long while later the door opens and child says "You should ring school." He opens the window, climbs up and balances on the ledge. "I'll jump." "Why?" "Cause I hate you." "Why do you hate me?" "Cause you don't bother about me." "If you jump you can't hate me anymore. Sit on the bed instead and hate me." Inner battle rages. Why should I make the first move? Because deep down I want us to be close and he has shown he wants it too but can't without losing face. We're both frozen in our positions but I'm the adult. "It's been an awful morning, please darling, can we start again?" He has seen my littleness and sadness and there's a trace of hopefulness when he asks: "How?"

I've rung school with feeble excuses. Mugs of hot chocolate and ginger biscuits, candles lit on the kitchen table, a friendly chat marks the new beginning. Soon this event will be forgotten, just another building block of our lives. 'Just'? Maybe not.

Lena's refreshing honesty and self-awareness give me hope as a parent that I can recover again and again, and remind me that this is an essential and positive thing for children to experience. It is how they learn about sustaining an intimate relationship. Her words free me up to embrace whatever comes - the good, the bad and the ugly - and to keep discovering the hot chocolate in family life.

Borocca madness

I get so angry every time I see a Borocca or Lemsip ad on TV. Their message is that as an individual our success is based on us keeping going, at a fast pace, however we feel. For what? For your all important work or role in life... but what about you? What about trusting your body when it tells you it needs a rest, or to slow down?

I know, I know.. its an ad, so why am I so worked up about it? Because its so pervasive its almost becoming an unquestioned fact that people should not put their needs before their work and achievements. Even MY boss can be a slave driver! I've been fighting a bug over the last week and notice how hard it is to give myself a break, and allow myself to be ill, to slow down and even stop.

I want a new ad on TV more along the Kitkat 'Take a break' theme... selling us the health and happiness that comes from listening and responding to our bodies.

As for me, I'm listening to my own propoganda and am off for 40 winks!

Talk to yourself? Sanity not madness! Part 1

I love the idea that we are made up of many selves - it makes sense to me. I'm not just justifying all those voices inside my head, they really are quite normal! The real question is how do we live happily with them.

The theory is that as we grow up, we all develop a range of primary selves, such as our ‘Protector/Controller’, 'Perfectionist', 'Pusher' and ‘Pleaser’ to protect the vulnerable child, and enable us to live in the big wide world. The challenge comes when we get stuck living from one, or a limited number, of these selves. Whilst it might feel safe and familiar, it is tiring to spend so much of our energy protecting ourselves. In time, we feel trapped and unable to live fully or happily,  express all of ourselves and achieve our potential.

Hal and Sidra Stone, developed a technique called 'Voice Dialogue' in the 70s that helps us accept and integrate these different parts of ourselves. Simply by embodying each self (yes, they have different postures!), giving them a voice and starting a dialogue with them, we hear ourselves differently. This new awareness helps us to step back and embrace more of our ‘selves’, giving us choice over which parts we act and live life from in any given moment.

Why am I sharing this idea? Because it has helped me, and it continually makes a difference to my clients. 

So, why not stop to listen to the voices that are shouting loudly, or whispering softly, and ask them how they protect you, or what they give you, knowing that they are just one part of you and its OK if you're stuck in that part right now.

Domination or Co-operation

I always thought I wouldn't want to dominate my children... but now with a defiant toddler on my hands I'd love a little control!

The other day it took over an hour to change a nappy and dress my son. I was stumped. I tried every distraction I could think of (some highly creative despite growing frustration), a range of deep commanding voices, giving choices, the usual sticker rewards, voicing my frustration and even giving up... Nothing worked and life was on hold until I could solve it. In the end I think he just got tired of fighting and realised clothes weren't the devil's spawn.

It left me full of emotion - anger, frustration, helplessness, confusion to name a few... and of course scared. Yes, you heard me. Scared that I was not in charge and life would be a constant battle that I might lose, and be seen as an 'irresponsible parent' with an 'out of control child'. I started to ask myself if it was this fear that was actually in the way of connecting with my son in that moment, rather than my anger.

Luckily help and reassurance was at hand from a fellow mum who lent me a fantastic book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. At last, here was an alternative that made sense and was based on respecting my son as a fellow human being (albeit a small one right now!). Relief that perhaps 'I' didn't have to have the answer, that 'we' could find one together, and the approach would grow with him.

It's still not easy (I am only a week and 3chapters in) - I can't always find the way or the words in the moment, but am able to think more clearly and stay with his feelings rather than get lost in my own agenda. I don't get scared and angry as quickly, and am able to cope with my own emotions better (well most of the time!). The biggest reward is seeing my son able to be an individual with his own opinions AND stay in relationship with me, rather than feeling he has to choose between the two.

I am under no illusions that he needs to and will continue to test the boundaries, and that I will continue to be challenged by it, however I realise I have control over the way I respond and can choose a path of love, co-operation and clear boundaries, rather than dominance and punishment.

Don't read this blog now!

A wonderful friend shared her sense of blog overwhelm today. Somewhat hypocritically, I can safely say I know exactly what she means ;o) So, yes, my challenge to you is Don't read this blog now! Delete it, or store it for if, or when you have the space and want to.

We live in a complex, over-informational age where some of the core skills seem to be filtering the noise by staying in touch with what is truly relevant and valuable to us, and choosing when and how we receive information and communicate. Just because immediacy and electronic formats are an option, and even set up as an expectation in many quarters, does not mean they are always beneficial or healthy.

I am left with more questions than answers. How do feeling, meaning and depth translate in texts and online? What happens when they are regularly missed out?

How does electronic communication affect relationships?

Practical tip: Learn to manage the inundation of email, blogs, e-zines etc. My Outlook is FULL of filters so I can choose what I read when, and limit distraction. A great lesson from my virtual assistant in her booklet Breaking Through Administrivia: How to Conquer Administrative Baggage in Solopreneurship.

All woman?

As I left Slough station last week, I noticed a little girl, of about 3, in a full gypsy-esque style dress with big ruffles at its sleeves and throughout its skirt. I was struck by the femininity of it - it shouted 'pink' even though it was white!

Having been a tomboy and fought with my mum over wearing skirts and dresses, 'girliness' can still feel a little alien. It's taken me time to learn to enjoy my femininity, and I still find it hard at times. Working within a corporate environment did not exactly help the process and the strong female role models as I grew up were generally more in touch with their masculine side - think Maragaret Thatcher. She may have had voice coaching to soften her speech, but her energy was still full of balls!

The hardest part is that my masculine side seems to have achieved so much and I really value it, and initially in becoming more feminine I thought I had to ditch it totally. What an impossible choice. Finally, I am realising that I can use my  masculine (my doing, goal oriented, boundary setting, grounded ballsiness) to support and allow a greater space for my feminine (my being, intuitive, emotional, earthy creativity) and that this combination is most powerful and freeing.

...And for all the Men reading this with curiosity, 'yes!' there is more power and freedom through integration for you too - though of course it is your masculinity that is enhanced!

Great Interviews of the 20th Century

'Great Interviews of the 20th Century' was the heading that caught my attention on the train (I confess in someone else's newspaper!) The Guardian are publishing 14 interviews.. I was facinated.. Whose stories stood out or held our interest over time? Which interviewers revealed something unique in an individual and their story?

What is it about someone else's story that is so fascinating? Are we seaching for inspiration, hope or some explanation or understanding of life? I was struck by the contrast between the depth and diversity in these 'Great' interviews and the blandness and sameness in some celebrity interviews. Surely what makes an interview is a story, not just an aspirational lifestyle - something that truly engages the emotions of the reader.

We can get so busy with other people's lives and stories, that we miss our own and the inspiration and understanding these can bring us. What are your stories (yes - they'll be more than one!) and when did you last tell them to yourself?

OK, I've left you in suspense long enough.. The Guradian Interviews are:
1) Richard Nixon by David Frost
2) Diana, Princess of Wales by Martin Bashir
3) John Lennon by Jann Wenner
4) Marlon Brando by Truman Capote
5) Dennis Potter by Melvyn Bragg
6) Francis Bacon by David Sylvester
7) Marilyn Monroe by Richard Meryman
8) Sex Pistols by Bill Grundy
9) Malcolm X by Alex Haley
10) Adolf Hitler by GS Viereck
11) F Scott Fitzgerald by Michael Mok
12) Margaret Thatcher by Terry Coleman
13) Fidel Castro by Herbert Matthews
14) Mae West by Charlotte Chandler

http://www.guardian.co.uk/greatinterviews/0,,2149287,00.html (2 & 9 appear in the Observer)

8 Story Styles for an Easier Life...

Are you sitting comfortably? then I'll begin...

Yes... telling the right kind of story makes all the difference. Carol Ross, previously my coach, has a wonderful podcast http://www.liveactioncoaching.com/detail_page.php?page_id_link_from=461&page_id=1058 where she interviews 'the father of storytelling', Stephen Denning, about his book "The Leader's Guide to Storytelling". He shares his experience from within the World Bank and how he identified 8 distinct categories of story, each with a different style and impact. Its a great book for anyone in business, especially Directors and Entrepreneurs, however I'm noticing it also seems to have relevance in family life too!

One comment Stephen makes that links to my own experience as a coach, working with individuals and couples, is that telling our story helps when we have a gap between our self-image and reality. (Currently, the gap I am playing with is between a self-image of superwoman - 150% mother, wife & entrepreneur, with me-time - and the reality of fitting everything in at a sane and enjoyable pace within my waking hours!)

Hmmm.. I wonder where Pooh Bear and Thomas the Tank Engine fit in stylistically during their seemingly endless renditions in our household?!

The Choice Point

I was in my early 20s and had been living with pain in my wrists, and physical limitations, since the age of 13. Facing the possibility that this might be as good as it got, I realised I had to learn how to live differently with pain.

Enter a book on pain management that was to change my life forever. It gave me back my sense of choice and provided a new perspective to view pain from. It validated my experience, giving factual information about how our bodies handle and adapt to long-term pain, and talked about how to live rather than survive. I was at a Choice Point. I could wallow and focus on the pain, or I could focus beyond it.

I chose to focus on living and being fully me, rather than protecting myself from pain, and to try to build up to a normal life full of creativity and passion. What strikes me as I write this over 13 years on is how many times since then I have chosen to live rather than make do, give up or survive.

The gift in my pain was to discover how to make a choice and to live fully.