Shifting Sands

The Choice Point

I was in my early 20s and had been living with pain in my wrists, and physical limitations, since the age of 13. Facing the possibility that this might be as good as it got, I realised I had to learn how to live differently with pain.

Enter a book on pain management that was to change my life forever. It gave me back my sense of choice and provided a new perspective to view pain from. It validated my experience, giving factual information about how our bodies handle and adapt to long-term pain, and talked about how to live rather than survive. I was at a Choice Point. I could wallow and focus on the pain, or I could focus beyond it.

I chose to focus on living and being fully me, rather than protecting myself from pain, and to try to build up to a normal life full of creativity and passion. What strikes me as I write this over 13 years on is how many times since then I have chosen to live rather than make do, give up or survive.

The gift in my pain was to discover how to make a choice and to live fully.

Unknown Talents

Adaptability brings discovery. When my wrist pain stopped me writing, my body and mind found ways to compensate. Suddenly I could remember numerous telephone numbers, revise from a dry textbook rather than my usual handwritten hieroglyphs. When push came to shove, I dictated my A levels, and University exams, with a teacher listening to my every word, from essays to maths solutions. In extreme frustration, I even found I could draw with a pencil in my mouth (my toes were useless!) - not enough for my Art A level, but enough for creative self-expression and neck ache!

I learned much about my own thresholds and whilst adaptation is tiring, I came away with a confidence that there was almost always a solution even if it meant asking for help and doing it in relationship with someone else. Sadly most of the above named talents faded as my wrists recovered, but the sense of possibility stayed, as did a deep respect for anyone who is adapting and choosing to find ways to live fully.

Learning to Live Again

Between the ages of 13 and 25 I suffered from inflammation and pain in my wrists. At times it would cause me to drop things or stop me being able to manage buttons, cook or cut up food. I was regularly in constant pain on and off for years. In my late teens, I did not know if I would lead a normal life with a full-time job, and the ability to drive a car, cuddle a baby or lift a child.

Whilst it sounds bleak, and definitely was some of the time, I learned an enormous amount about myself, my needs, adaptability and above all how to choose to live rather than survive.

I've been reflecting on this time and want to share the gifts it gave me. Many of us live with some level of pain or disabilty, whether it is physical, mental, emotional or situational, and its often not spoken about or even seen. We all have a choice about how we manage our relationship with it, but may not have any idea where to start. I hope that by sharing my story it will help you explore this relationship and, if you're in survival mode, give you hope that there can be a time when you will live again.